Planning your own funeral is an act of love

I was about ten minutes away from Long Island Jewish Valley Stream Hospital when I got the phone call from my cousin, telling me that Grandma just passed. Shortly after her 79th birthday, a handful of health complications that she’d dealt with over the years started compounding. A spinal infection, heart disease, kidney failure, chronic asthma–she grew tired of fighting, ready for peace and to be out of pain. She was prepared to join her son, my dad, in God’s glory.

I arrived at room ICU2 and joined Grandpa (her husband of 60 years), Auntie (her daughter), my younger brother and three cousins. We surrounded the hospital bed with Grandma’s lifeless body, enough tears among us to fill a shot glass. On one hand, there was a sense of relief that Grandma was no longer suffering. But grief overshadowed any optimistic realities or silver linings.

After about three hours of shared sadness, it was time to leave the hospital; the medical team had a short window to preserve the body. So we said our “see-you-laters” to Grandma, and off we went. It was Tuesday, April 9, 2024.

On Wednesday, April 10, we were at J. Foster Phillips Funeral Home on Linden Boulevard in Queens, planning Grandma’s homegoing service. 

Just under 22 years ago, Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie sat in these same seats in this same funeral home, making arrangements for Daddy’s funeral after he died in a motorcycle accident. I was only 7 years old when he passed, barely old enough to grasp the concept of death, let alone be a part of the funeral planning process. So, in many ways, Grandma’s passing is the most intimate connection I’ve had with death.

We gathered at a long white rectangle table in one of the handful of meeting rooms in the relatively large funeral home. Aside from the table, an abstract painting occupied one of the room’s white walls; a 50-inch television screen was mounted to another. 

David Harvey, our funeral director, sat at the head of the table. Harvey, 60, moved to New York from Jamaica in 1992 and has been a funeral director for 12 years. 

In his Jamaican accent, he shared his condolences, led a prayer of comfort and began to walk us through the process, his laptop screen shared with the television as our visual aid.

Harvey clicked through his slides and presented us with options to consider for every aspect of the service–everything from how we wanted Grandma’s hair to what kind of transportation we wanted to what type of casket. Nothing was not considered. It all seemed so trivial, considering it was only less than 24 hours since she took her last breath. Yet, here we were, a family at the apex of grief, choosing between roses and carnations. And what further convoluted everything were the financial considerations attached to each choice being presented–for instance, caskets that cost up to $69,995.

These experiences can make a family feel helpless and hopeless. Often, families are vulnerable when planning a funeral for a loved one, and don’t have the luxury of taking their time to make these decisions.

While I can’t remember most of the specific choices we made for Grandma, a few days later, on Monday, April 15, she had a beautiful celebration of life service. That, I do remember.

I also remember questions that surfaced when reflecting on this experience. Questions such as: Why do families shy away from conversations about preparing for death? What does preparing for death entail? How does the average family afford the unexpected expense of a funeral when Forbes claims that 78% of Americans are living paycheck-to-paycheck?

“One main thing that we can do is set up a preplan, which is a preneed arrangement; it’s just like setting up a funeral as if you’re dead,” says Harvey. 

Harvey explains that the plan is set up through a desired funeral home, and with a trust company. There’s a deposit of at least $500 to get started, and you can continue putting more money towards it at your own discretion. “If they pass away before they’re finished paying off for it, their death certificate is sent to the trust company and they release the funds,” he says.

“I’d also advise that each person find at least two other people they can depend on to assist them in making their final arrangements,” Harvey adds. To that point, it’s important to let them know the funeral home where you set up a plan to avoid the potential of them selecting a different funeral home and paying again.

Besides prepaying for your funeral, there is, of course, life insurance that can alleviate the hefty financial implications that come with funerals. However, life insurance is another generally rarely discussed subject, especially in minority communities.

I spoke with a life insurance specialist with nearly two decades of experience to get tips. Here’s what he shared:

• Life insurance can be used for different things, but most people just want to make sure they have enough to be buried.

• The sooner someone gets a life insurance plan, the better. The rates increase as an individual gets older and becomes more susceptible to accidents and health issues.

• There are a few different kinds of life insurance policies, most notably “term insurance policy” and “whole life policy.”
  • Term insurance policy: Company on the policy for a specific amount of time, and once the term expires, you can either renew it (at a likely higher premium) or simply allow the policy to lapse.
  • Whole life policy: More costly, but provides more flexibility and options down the line.

• Age and health are the big drivers for the price of the policy–what policy best suits an individual depends entirely on the individual’s situation.

Death is on a short list of life’s guarantees, yet it’s a taboo topic that’s often avoided. Nobody knows their earthly expiration date, but there are some ways to mitigate the burden for the family and loved ones left behind.

In my experience with Grandma’s passing, I realized the importance of confronting these uncomfortable conversations; so, when the inevitable happens, the focus can remain on mourning and celebrating the life that was lived.

For more information about pre-need arrangements and prepaying your funeral, visit New York State’s Department of Health online.

For tips on talking openly about death and helping yourself and others deal with grief, visit www.jfosterphillips.com/griefwords.

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