Let’s talk bullying. We hear the word everywhere, especially now with social media. But should parents step in at the first mention of bullying? At what point should we seek professional help? And what do you do if your child is the one doing the bullying? We spoke to an expert and gathered additional resources to help parents navigate the world of bullying.
The facts
According to stopbullying.gov, about 19.2% of students ages 12 to 18 enrolled in grades sixth through 12 experienced bullying nationwide during the 2021-2022 school year. While this number is lower than at the beginning of the last decade, it still affects many of our youth both physically and mentally. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), victims of bullying are more likely than those who are not bullied to report:
- feelings of low self-esteem and isolation
- poor performance in school
- having few friends at school
- Negative views of school
- psychosomatic problems (e.g., headache, stomachache, or sleeping problems)
- mental health problems (depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety)
Did you know? Bullying has been found to be more prevalent in middle school than high school, and higher among female than male students?
What are the signs?
Children do not always tell their parents that they are being bullied in school or online. Sometimes they are embarrassed or fear how their parents will react. So what signs should you look for?
Dr. Tirrell De Gannes, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist in NYC, says that there are many signs that can indicate bullying that parents often miss. “Parents should be aware of school-avoidant behavior: requests to be taken to school when they normally take a bus (without issue), unexplained injuries, crying spells, lost valuables such as clothing or jewelry, sudden loss or increase of appetite, nightmares, dropping grades, and/or running away from home,” he told Epicenter in an email. “Also, when asked about bullying, the child(ren) will often reflexively deny bullying with a sense of fear.”
Dr. De Gannes says in order to support your child, talk about what bullying can look and feel like, as well as the risks of not sharing their experience. “It can also be helpful for a child to know what the plans for addressing bullying would be. Children are sensitive to embarrassment and don’t want to run the risk of being bullied further,” he adds.
When to step in
As parents, it’s hard not to want to step in every time your child faces a conflict- but we know it’s important to give them the space to try to resolve it on their own. But when should parents step in?
Dr. De Gannes says that parents should intervene if “their child has expressed that all independent and civil means have been exhausted without resolution, or if the warning signs of bullying are progressing at an alarming rate and the psychological or physical safety of the child seems to be at risk.”
Options include:
- speaking to school administrators
- getting in contact with the students and their parents
- taking legal action if necessary
- having your child switch classes/teachers (which may be an isolating experience)
He says that, “changing schools or taking legal action should be considered if the child’s health and safety are in danger and there have been either no or insufficient attempts by the school staff to protect the child.”
What if my child is the bully?
There’s usually no shortage of support in place for children who are being bullied, but for families of a child who is the one doing the bullying, it can often feel quite the opposite.
Parents may feel embarrassed and as though their parenting is being judged. But kids who bully aren’t “bad kids.” They could be ”experiencing anxiety or depression, and have difficulty regulating their emotions and behavior,” according to the Child Mind Institute. There are several reasons why a child might be engaging in bullying behavior:
- The child wants to fit in with a group of friends who are picking on one classmate.
- They are getting bullied at home or at school, and are trying to regain a sense of power by acting aggressively toward others.
- They are looking for attention from teachers, parents, or classmates, and haven’t been successful getting it other ways.
- They are by nature more assertive and impulsive than their peers.
- They have a tendency to perceive the behavior of other kids as hostile, even when it is not.
- They do not fully grasp how their behavior is making the victim feel. This is particularly true of younger kids.
Did you know? Young people who bully others are, ”at a higher risk for substance use, academic problems, and experiencing violence in adolescence and adulthood,” according to 3rd Millennium Classrooms, a platform for online prevention and intervention classes.
Dr. De Gannes says that In his experience, parents are often unaware of their child engaging in bullying behavior or are in denial of their own actions that serve as a blueprint for bullying. “Parents oftentimes have difficulty seeing their own children as anything pejorative (i.e., bully, aggressor, troublemaker, etc.).”
To circumvent the dissonance that comes with seeing their child as bullies, he says that “the actions and their impact on others should be described to the parent with the child present. There is no way to completely remove bias from a parent, but it helps to communicate with the children and the school staff directly about problematic actions. This will hopefully lead to guidance and corrective action from the parents. Asking questions of your children without them fearing retribution is the best way to get honesty.”
Finding solutions
Since we can’t control the actions of others, the best thing we can do is help our children not allow these actions to affect them. At the core, positive youth development can help cultivate resilience, preventing students from being as negatively impacted by bullying. And even more, research has shown that children with higher levels of resilience are actually bullied less often.
And what about schools? The CDC says that schools should include elements like universal programs for all youth within the school community as well as interventions for youth at risk as well as those who are already involved in bullying. It also says schools should involve families and communities and develop long-term school-wide approaches that ”strengthen youth’s social-emotional, communication, and problem-solving skills.”
Did you know? More than half (57%) of bullying incidents stop when a peer intervenes on behalf of the student being bullied. Unfortunately, however, peer bystanders intervene less than 20% of the time.
Seeking professional help
Seeking professional help is beneficial to children who are on either side of bullying. Dr. De Gannes says that there is no wrong time to seek professional help. “If traditional parenting skills are not working and/or the parent feels at a loss for ideas, that is a great opportunity to seek professional help,” he told us. “Counselors and therapists are not responsible for fixing your child; they only act as tools for additional guidance. It is still the responsibility of the parents/guardians to learn and enforce the new tools learned in therapeutic environments.”
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