Summer break means a break from school, trips to the beach, and family vacations. But it also means a break in routines. Mental health experts say that can translate into some children struggling without the structure and social support they depend on during the school year. Parents may notice changes in their kids’ moods and social lives.
But it can also be an opportunity for adults to check in with kids and strengthen communication at home. Last month, the Queens Childcare Network and Forte Preparatory Academy hosted a virtual workshop to help with just that.
At the webinar, Viviana Benjumea, chief community officer at Forte Preparatory Academy, and other Forte Preparatory Academy counselors emphasized the importance of catching emotional distress early. She shared the following strategies for open communication, recognizing signs of distress and building healthy coping skills to help kids navigate the summer:
Understand what your child is experiencing
Parents should be mindful of the important role they play in helping children navigate emotional and social development. Children of all ages may have a difficult time expressing and naming their emotions, so it’s important for parents to help them identify those feelings and learn how to manage them.
That’s especially true during puberty, which can make children’s emotions feel more intense because of the changes happening in their bodies.
Youth at this stage are particularly influenced by their peers and by their parents’ approval, which can affect their self-esteem. They’re exploring their identity and testing boundaries. It’s important to be aware of our words because children internalize them and often try to live up to the standards adults set for them.
Helping children open up
One communication strategy is being clear and direct. For example, say, “When you show me all your homework is done, then you can watch TV,” instead of asking an open-ended question. Giving clear directions helps children understand expectations.
When having conversations, ask specific questions. For example: “What part of your day did you enjoy the most?”
It’s also important to actively listen by nodding and asking follow-up questions that show you’re interested. When a child sees that you’re interested, they’re more likely to continue sharing.
Try to avoid criticizing right away. When we criticize or lecture immediately, it often backfires. Instead, help children reflect on the choices they made and how those choices affected them.
Leading with empathy
The key to having conversations with children is empathy. Support their emotions by naming them. You might say, “You must have felt really frustrated when you didn’t make the team.”
Avoid dismissing their feelings. If a child tells you a friend doesn’t want to talk to them anymore, avoid saying, “You’re being dramatic.” To young people, that situation may feel like the end of the world.
Offer support. If they’re not ready to talk, let them know you’re available when they are. Remind them that you love them no matter what’s happening.
Encouraging resilience
Keep conversations positive. If you’re trying to change a behavior, celebrate progress. If they improve on a quiz, say, “I saw that you worked hard.”
It’s also important to name positive behaviors in the moment. When we do that, children are more likely to repeat those behaviors.
And normalize mistakes. Make it clear that everyone makes them. When children are criticized harshly for mistakes, they may begin to believe they can’t do anything right or that they’re not good enough.
Teaching coping and self-regulation skills
Self-regulation is the ability to control your emotions, behaviors and thoughts in different situations. Children and adolescents are still developing these skills.
Teaching children to stop and think before acting impulsively is important. We should also model those behaviors ourselves.
One coping strategy I like to teach younger children is “smell the flower, blow out the candle.” For older children, it can help to tense and relax their muscles while breathing, count to 10, identify their emotions and think through their choices before reacting.
Warning signs parents shouldn’t ignore
Watch for mood changes and emotional outbursts, or for a child withdrawing from activities they once enjoyed, isolating themselves from friends and family, performing poorly at school or refusing to attend or for physical symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches.
Risky behaviors, including vaping, running away or self-harm, are also signs that parents should pay attention to. If you notice these warning signs, check in with your child. You might say, “I’ve noticed you don’t want to go to basketball practice anymore. Did something happen?”
If your child says they want to hurt themselves or says something along those lines, take them seriously. Even if they later say they were joking, adults should make sure children understand that it’s not something to joke about and that they should seek help when needed.
Particularly during summer gatherings with family and friends, parents should take their children’s concerns seriously if they say they feel uncomfortable around someone. While that doesn’t necessarily mean that person is an abuser, it may signal that something else is behind the child’s discomfort.
Building trust at home
Ask children about their interests and show genuine curiosity. Have them teach you how to play their favorite game or tell you why they like a certain YouTuber.
Give children small responsibilities to help build independence. That could be folding laundry, cleaning their room, cooking or learning other life skills.
Ultimately, build a relationship with your child through trust, patience and quality time. Stay consistent, show up when they need you and remind them that you love them.
When to seek professional help
If you’re concerned about your child’s mental health, contact your school’s counselor or social worker. You can also speak with your child’s doctor for referrals. Your insurance provider will also have a list of in-network resources for mental health services.
Read more of Epicenter NYC’s mental health guides for families.
