If you’re a parent, teacher or caregiver, there’s a good chance the past few days have brought difficult conversations with the young people in your life. News of violence has been tough to avoid: That includes the shooting at Brown University on Saturday that killed two students and injured nine; the killings of Rob Reiner and his wife, Michele, in their home, in which their son, Nick, was charged with murder; and the killing of 15 people at a Hanukkah celebration on Sydney’s Bondi Beach.
The numbers involving young people are hard to hear. So far this year, 1,192 youths age 17 and younger have been killed by gun violence, and nearly three times that number have been injured, according to the Gun Violence Archive.
For kids and young adults, seeing this kind of news, or hearing about it secondhand, can be deeply unsettling. Many already feel they have little control over parts of their lives. Some are also navigating daily anxiety tied to heightened immigration enforcement and violence involving U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE).
“I cannot imagine having to be a child going into school now — the violence, school shootings, bullying, actual violence in school, immigration,” said Marybeth Melendez, a psychologist who volunteers at Our Lady of Mount Carmel–St. Benedicta–St. Mary of the Assumption parish in Staten Island. “We are no longer in a time frame that makes any sense anymore. Kids have anxiety up to the wazoo. They have depression up to the wazoo. They’re terrorized.”
We spoke with Melendez about how to talk with children and young adults about school shootings and other forms of violence and how to create a safe space if they come to you. Excerpts below are lightly edited.
Epicenter NYC: What should you say to kids who are feeling scared?
Melendez: What I tell them is: Of course you are. I’m scared too. It is normal to feel the way that you’re feeling during these abnormal times. I’m not going to minimize it. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. We’re all scared.
But the things that we can do are be more mindful of how we live.
• When you’re going to school, do you have a particular route? Do you walk with friends?
• If you hear a ruckus, are you going to run toward it, or are you going to run for safety? Are you looking to avoid issues, or are you right in the middle of it?
• Be mindful of who your friends are.
• Have a safety route.
• Have your cell phone with you.
• Be present of mind. When you’re walking, don’t be on your phone. Pay attention to your surroundings.
• If you’re taking the bus home and there’s a fight on the bus, get off the bus.
• If people are arguing, go to a local store or go to an adult.
We have to now have a plan that is for this particular time frame in our lives.
Epicenter NYC: We’ve heard accounts of faith leaders harmed (with pepper spray, projectiles and harassment) while they’re protecting immigrant families. How does seeing or hearing about violence against trusted adults affect children?
Melendez: Unfortunately, it’s nothing new. Children should not see or experience violence, but it does happen. What’s important is allowing kids to ask questions, allowing them to cry and allowing them to feel safe. And if you feel that you cannot handle that conversation, let them speak to a professional to help them work through it. Because at any age, it’s disturbing to see another human being tortured.
Epicenter NYC: What are your thoughts on repeated exposure to school lockdown or shooter drills? What do they do to a child — help kids feel protected or contribute to anxiety?
Melendez: I can answer that question from speaking with kids and from the psychology perspective.
Doing the drill is not going to cause trauma or anxiety. These drills, unfortunately, are necessary considering the times that we live in today.
What you want to be able to do is practice until it becomes muscle memory. Because god forbid, if there is an active shooter, you cannot in that moment try to figure out what to do. You have to have it built into your memory bank so that when the adrenaline is rushing and the fear is rushing, you’ll know what to do, just like driving a car.
You’ve done it so many times that it becomes muscle memory. Even in an emergency, your brain is already going and you know what to do.
So you want to make the unconscious conscious. Repetition is very, very important. God forbid the alarms are set and there is an active shooter. Kids know what to do. There’s safety in that because they understand they have a plan. It’s not haphazard. They’re not in a vulnerable, powerless situation.
Practice is why there is a sense of control.
What makes people anxious is the idea of how sad it is that we have to do something like this and the reality that this could really happen. That’s what makes it anxious, not the drill itself.
Epicenter NYC: What advice do you have for parents trying to help manage their kids’ anxiety around violence, especially school shootings?
Melendez: It’s a real thing. The reality is every time we walk out our door, we never really know what’s going to happen.
That’s why we have to live in faith. Faith in God, faith in community, faith in our family. We should never take any moment for granted.
But at some point, we also have to allow ourselves to be in the moment and say, “Today I’m going to school. Worry about math. Worry about reading.”
We cannot think about the things we cannot control. Otherwise, we’ll never get out of bed. Live your life moment by moment. Whatever is going to happen, we have no control over.
The only thing we can control is trying to be as prepared as we can.
It’s OK to be nervous and anxious, but it’s not OK for anxiety to prevent us from living. You need to laugh with your friends. You need to talk on the phone. You need to be silly. You need to worry about your grade in math and reading.
You can do both. You can be anxious and still live. But it cannot be just anxiety and fear all the time. That’s where we have to step in and remind ourselves: We still have to live.
You can reach Marybeth Melendez at MY.therapist@outlook.com or (718) 840-8280.
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