The kids are not OK, psychologists tell us, when it comes to fear of immigration enforcement. Therapists in the city serving immigrant or mixed-status families have seen requests for mental health services nearly triple in recent months.
“Children are terrified of going to school, not knowing if they have a family to go back home to,” said Dr. Marybeth Melendez, a clinical psychologist who volunteers at Our Lady of Mount Carmel–St. Benedicta–St. Mary of the Assumption parish in Staten Island. “They’re also dealing with bullying from other children who don’t grasp the totality and cruelty of teasing a child, ‘Oh, your family’s going to get deported.’”
When the adults in their lives are not OK, kids worry
The fear is also real for adults in their lives. Many are reluctant to leave their homes for work, church or errands, Dr. Melendez said, “because they fear that, because they look Hispanic, they’re going to be kidnapped or disappeared.”
There are financial repercussions from this anxiety: Some workers have lost paychecks when they hunker down at home, while others have recently lost their jobs as employers fear government reprisals. All this can increase stress at home and leave parents and other caregivers less able to support affected children, she added.
“You need to be OK for your kids to be OK,” said Dr. Verónica Torrico, a clinical psychologist at Elmhurst Hospital and Healthy Steps specialist. Speaking in Spanish at a workshop on Tuesday about how to talk with children about immigration and deportation, she said parents need strategies to regulate their own emotions.
Dr. Torrico advised adults to speak honestly with children about the situation, their feelings and any plans if the family is directly affected. In particular:
- Ask and validate their feelings on the situation. For instance: “I notice you seem upset.”
- Let them know you’re scared and worried, too. It models for them how to express their feelings in a healthy way.
- Tell them, “I have a plan, and let’s talk about it.” For instance: “If something were to happen with your parent(s), this is the family member you would stay with.”
If parents avoid these difficult conversations, she said, children’s minds will likely fill in the blanks with what they hear from peers or other sources. She also urged parents to be mindful of timing and their own emotional capacity. “If you’ve just come home from work and you’re exhausted,” she said, “maybe it’s not the right time to have that conversation.”
Dr. Torrico also recommended age-appropriate language and resources to help guide the conversation. These may include children’s books that look at themes of family separation and deportation, such as “From North to South / Del Norte al Sur,” “Ojala Supieras/I Wish You Knew” and “Algo Le Pasó a Mi Papá/Something Happened to My Dad”.
What other factors should caregivers consider when having these conversations with kids? What should they say? We delved further into these questions with Dr. Melendez. Her responses have been lightly edited and condensed.
Epicenter NYC: How do we know when a child is stressed or afraid something might happen to their family?
Dr. Melendez: Children are powerless in many areas of their lives. They cannot work, cannot put a roof over their heads, cannot resolve day-to-day problems. They depend on caregivers for the necessities of life. So when a child fears those adults may not be there, it causes absolute fear because their world is no longer safe.
For example, when parents die and children go into foster care or to a family member, that “not knowing” is prevalent. No different than in this capacity, where they cannot count on routine, stability or safety. When a child doesn’t feel safe, it impacts their developmental abilities, their psyche, emotional well-being and causes severe mental health ramifications.
Epicenter NYC: Should adults wait for kids to approach them about these concerns or show signs of stress? What should they consider about whether to have the talk?
Dr. Melendez: Well, that’s the crux of the problem: children are afraid to voice those concerns because there is no longer trust. They don’t know if adults — teachers, friends — will turn their family in. They’re afraid to mention their parents’ status because ACS [Administration for Children’s Services] can be called, the police can be called, ICE can be called. So voicing thoughts and fears — which they should be able to — can cause repercussions.
At the church we provide a safety net. Everything they say is confidential. There will be no legal consequences, no interventions with courts or ICE. And we tell kids it’s okay to be scared. This is a normal reaction for a very abnormal set of circumstances. We focus on the day-to-day, keep it simple, let them voice their concerns.
We work with families to remind them: although it’s important for kids to be aware, we don’t want to overstimulate them or give them information that’s not age-appropriate. The home has to be a safe space. Adult conversations about the state of the world cannot be within earshot of kids.
You always reassure children: “If something happens to me, here’s a plan. These are the people who will take care of you.” Let them know they will always be okay. Their needs will be met. The family is safe.
Adults must understand that kids cannot have one foot in the adult world and one in the world of children.
Epicenter NYC: And if you’re not their caregiver and a kid says, “I’m scared my parents might be taken by ICE,” what should you say?
Dr. Melendez: I would say, “OK, let’s talk about it. Why are you afraid your parents are going to be taken by ICE?” Talk about it. Are their parents here with them? Do they have other family members? Have they shared these concerns with their parents? Do they have a plan?
It’s not about avoiding the conversation but validating their fears. Allow them to express it and know it’s OK not to be OK. It’s OK to be afraid, but we also can’t live in fear — we need breaks from it. Then: what can we do as a family to make you feel safe at home? What steps do we need to take?
Epicenter NYC: For older kids who feel they have to be the adults in the family — looking after siblings, managing paperwork, worrying about what happens if a parent is detained — what does that sense of responsibility do to a child emotionally?
Dr. Melendez: It’s devastating. Children should not take on that role. Parents have not pre-planned. Whether a parent has a medical condition, is going to prison, lost a job or is dealing with the political landscape of immigration, it’s about working with the community and other adults.
Have a plan: if the unthinkable happens, these are the steps to follow. Kids are going through enough — they cannot handle the stressors of not knowing or navigating the system.
Always be the parents. Just like when a family member dies or there’s a divorce, there’s a point person. Kids need the same thing. We tell them: “Go to the church. Speak with Father Hernan. If you don’t have a family member here — or if you do — these are the people to go to. They know what to do. You’re loved. We’ve made plans. You’re going to be okay.”
Rehearse the plan, like fire drills in school.
Epicenter NYC: Is there anything else parents should keep in mind when talking to older siblings who feel pressure, without adding more fear?
Dr. Melendez: Parents are working through their own fears. It’s a dark time. Parents in distress may not recognize they’re dumping their stress onto other children.
Come to professionals so we can facilitate and assist in the conversation. This is a new experience for many. We run workshops, groups and individual sessions to have these hard conversations, so families walk out with a plan of 10 steps that everyone feels comfortable with.
Epicenter NYC: So whether it’s one-on-one professional support or group services, it’s about speaking with a professional if you have access?
Dr. Melendez: Right. And if you don’t, I would offer five tips anyone can use:
- Identify a surrogate adult who can care for your children if the unthinkable happens.
- Get a notarized letter giving that adult permission to make legal, medical and academic decisions. [Such letters are known as a Standby Guardianship.]
- Put documentation in a safe space (such as a fire-retardant box): birth certificates, Social Security cards, school info.
- Let teachers know, bring the notarized letter and confirm that the children are not being abandoned.
- Follow up with doctors to ensure medications and emergency needs are covered.
Then work with community-based organizations. Traditionally, therapists cannot see a child without parent authorization, but the notarized letter suffices.
Epicenter NYC: How do you balance talking to kids about immigration enforcement in away that’s honest but not overwhelming?
Dr. Melendez: You can say: “It doesn’t matter where I am, I’m your mother. I’m your father. I’m never abandoning you. We’re trying to resolve this. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, but I’ve done everything possible to ensure you’re taken care of.”
But focus on today. Spend time together. Play board games. Sit at the table. Laugh. Play music. Enjoy each other. We’ve lost the capacity to enjoy each other because we’re worried about so much. Make memories now. Focus on the present. Life is tenuous; none of us are guaranteed tomorrow — death, disaster, immigration, anything. Focus on your kids today.
Epicenter NYC: Are there practical ways for parents to start these conversations when they don’t know where to begin?
Dr. Melendez: Begin with the steps. Once everything is done, then come to the kids. Don’t bounce ideas off them. Let them be kids.
Step one is always: sit with your spouse or, if you’re a single mom, your comadre, your best friend. If you had cancer and six months to live, who would you designate to take care of your kids? It’s no different.
Write it down. Who are the adults you trust? Speak to them. Build the plan step by step.
Epicenter NYC: So start the conversation once you already have the plan?
Dr. Melendez: Once the plan is designated, yes. You can say, “I know you’re worried. If anything ever happens, this person will take care of you. There are plans. I’ll share them with you.”
Depending on their age, they’ll ask questions you don’t have answers for: “How long?” “We don’t know. “Are you coming back?” “We don’t know.” We prepare as best we can. We don’t want to terrorize kids. Share little bits at a time. Let them process.
Epicenter NYC: And when a child experiences separation or fears it might happen, what happens emotionally and psychologically?
Dr. Melendez: It’s hard, and we’ve seen it throughout history — children ripped from parents, placed in foster care, parents going to jail, immigration cases.
Caregivers are imperative for child development: love, empathy, morality, safety, continuity, identity. We have research from Bowlby, Ainsworth, Erikson. Child development thrives with caregivers.
When parents are neglectful, it’s like not having a parent. When a child is separated through no fault of their own, they grow up feeling they don’t belong, aren’t wanted, aren’t good enough. They internalize: “If my parents aren’t here, they didn’t want me. I’m not lovable.”
Kids internalize everything. Tell a kid, “You did a bad thing,” they hear, “I am bad.” Tell a kid, “That was a mistake,” they hear, “I am a mistake.” They grow up with guilt, shame, low identity, low worthiness. Severe damage.
Epicenter NYC: Why do those traumatic moments — being taken during an eviction, begging not to be separated — stay with people for life?
Dr. Melendez: Because it’s biology. We are hardwired to connect to caregivers. When an infant is born, they are completely powerless. Biology ensures they bond with caregivers to survive — eye contact, smell, cooing. All release bonding hormones in the caregiver.
This is innate. Humans have a long developmental span. When that bond is fractured, separation becomes a biological trauma, physical trauma, psychological trauma. It’s not supposed to happen.
Epicenter NYC: Thinking about kids in the same family, with different levels of understanding — how do parents talk to kids who carry different levels of fear or confusion?
Dr. Melendez: Every family is different. Keep it age-appropriate. The most important thing is that kids feel: we have a plan, you will be safe, you’ll be taken care of. Reinforce that. Minimize what they see on TV or hear outside. Why go out of your way to scare your child? Sometimes less is more. Make your plans anyway, but don’t overwhelm them. Inform kids on a need-to-know basis.
Epicenter NYC: For teachers, since they rarely know the full immigration story, what should they remember about how fear might show up in the classroom?
Dr. Melendez: Teachers deal with a lot. They’re social workers, therapists and teachers. If a teacher notices a child is disengaged or sad, they should reach out to the parent and say, “I don’t want to pry, but your child seems sad or depressed. Something may be going on.” Suggest they speak to someone.
Epicenter NYC: Does that apply to neighbors too?
Dr. Melendez: Exactly. Speak to the adult. If a child comes to you and shares something, then talk and ask, “Do you want me to speak to your parents?” We must be careful. We never know if it’s immigration or something else.
That’s why places like Mount Carmel are wonderful — everything is volunteer-based, no insurance, doors never closed. Kids come during Mass and talk to us. Once kids trust you, they send their friends.
Dr. Verónica Torrico will be holding another Spanish-language workshop on how to talk with children about immigration and deportation. It will be hosted by and at Elmhurst Hospital on Feb. 9 at 5 p.m.
